we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Randomize
