i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
Randomize