We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
i think i scared a bird with my dick
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Randomize
