I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
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