You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
