I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
