He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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