Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
she's traveling up the coast with her camera and a stash of pot cookies eating food from different campuses. said she slept in a closet 2 states away last nite... of course I'm interested
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
