When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
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