Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
