This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
Randomize