I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
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