its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
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