I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Randomize
