My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
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