I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
