Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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