I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
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