peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
Cover your peen. We're going out.
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