and next time when you feel me up, do it right
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
