the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
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