We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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