just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Randomize
