you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
Randomize
