New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
