He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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