I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
Randomize
