Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
