What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
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