I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Randomize
