Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
is this the sara with the beer cane?
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
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