mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
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