i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Randomize
