I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Randomize
