I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
