my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
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