i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize