if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
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