So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Randomize
