Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Randomize
