Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
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