i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
