Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
Randomize
