Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
