It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
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