Have you finally orgasmed yet?
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Randomize
