Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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