yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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