I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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