drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
