I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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