; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Randomize
