I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
