I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
Randomize
