I'd wear matching sweaters with you
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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