Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
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