This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
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