I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Randomize
