you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
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